Mr. M (Part III) - Losing

Mr. M taught me about losing today. He told me that he doesn't want to date me supposedly because he has been burned by dating someone in the office before. Now I have heard a couple of versions of his previous dating history. One straight from Mr. M and some from others. I am completely convinced of two things. One - he really got screwed by the girl from his last relationship. Finding out that she is sleeping with every guy in the office is not flattering to Mr. M's ego I am sure. Two - that is just an excuse not to tell me the real reason he doesn't want to give it a try. Now granted I didn't profess my undying love to the man. Nor did I tell him any of the things I would normally say to "win" his affections. He came to me and told me he was under the impression that I wanted a romantic relationship with him. I told him he wasn't far off from the truth. And he told me no because of the previous girl he dated in the office. I hate this but I have to accept it. It's not my fault he chose to date someone of whom I think was a completely bad choice in the first place. Yet, I am stuck with the fact that he was burned and now I am living the consequences. Maybe if he had just told me that I was annoying or something. I don't know maybe it would have been better. It just rubbed me the wrong way I guess. Kind of like I was being judged for something that I didn't even have a part of. Although he did tell me that I am a "nice girl" which means to most women that there is something wrong with you but I just don't want to say it.

Am I making too much of a big deal out of this? I am his friend first. I would like to think that he would be honest with me. I mean I am pretty open about things. It's not like he has to lie to me or anything. So if he was being competely honest and sincere then what happens now? Do we pretend that this conversation never occurred? Do we act as though we did before? I do feel as though a burden has been lifted. I am glad he is no longer in the dark. I didn't like the feeling of keeping something from him. He knows now and he can't go back. We can only go forward now...wherever that leads.

The funniest part is that I am sitting here after our call feeling elated at the fact that I got to talk to him. I am such an idiot. I guess matters of the heart makes us do crazy things. I know that no matter what this won't change what I think of him. He is still wonderful in my eyes. He always will be. I just wish we could have spent some time together. I really just want to talk to him. I am bursting at the seems sometimes to talk to him. Even though usually he makes me so silly that I can barely speak. I think we could have fun together. Maybe romantic, maybe not. Like I said I can't predict the future. I could totally like him now and spend some time around him and find out he likes U2. I would have to seriously wonder about him then. LOL In the end, he has made a decision and I have to accept it. I don't have to like it but I do respect it. I hope that we become better friends and are able to talk to each other on a level outside of bean counting. He still has the most amazing gaze that I have ever encountered...and that goes a long way. More to come soon...

Don't be a Lemming!

Mysterious Mr. M (Part II)

My poor Mr M. just got shocking news that his closest friends are all fake. I feel bad for him because he really took it hard. I wonder if his feeling of rejection is because he has this success complex in his personality or if it's because he truly harbors feelings deep down for one of the people involved. He is so hard to read at times. He says he's not mysterious but that is just wrong. He is amazing and if he would open his eyes he might find he is not as in the dark as he thinks he is.

We went to coffee today and I have to say it was hard not to just focus intently upon him. The whole time I am thinking "don't make an ass out of yourself" so I tried to talk to him and keep the conversation going. It went better than it usually does. Perhaps things are on the upswing.

In any case, it put me in an awkward position. Do I get in the middle of something that I have no place being in the middle of? Which is kind of what it sounded like he wanted me to do. Or do I be his friend and just let him deal with it on his own with the information I have given him? I think the second and so that is how I have proceeded. It kills me because I care about him and I know that this will change his behavior, attitude, etc. He is so great the way he is. Why does everyone think he needs to change to something to make him more like them....a lemming?

He acted like I didn't stand up for him. What he doesn't realize is I fight for him all the time. In fact, so much so that it hurts my image and makes me look bad. Not that I give a s*** but it does affect me. So for him to act like I have done him some diservice upsets me a little. I am the one making an ass out of myself for him. I am the one that has a freakin blog all about him. Not that anyone knows that or has read it. Still, it should show him I have some loyalty.

The truth is, I need to tell him. I need to tell him about the blog. About my feeling for him. About it all. I need this weight off of my shoulders. It feels like I am carrying around a secret or a lie and keeping it from him. I think if I was just honest about it all then he could see everything and then we could just talk. I don't think for one second that he will be like "yes I am definitely interested in you and I want to date you" but at least we could be close friends. I mean we have shared what I would call some secrets in respect to people talking smack etc. It does make me a little sad that he thinks he is too good for me. He hasn't told me this because we haven't talked about it, but I feel it from him. In some ways I think that he needs someone like me. Someone supportive to cheer on his success complex he has going on. Someone to be sweet to him and show him his greatest qualities that he doesn't see. Someone who is going to be honest with him and tell him the stuff that no one else seems to want to say because they are too scared to. I could go on for hours.

I guess we will just have to wait to see what happens. I can't predict the future. All I know is if the lemmings get him there is no turning back. Hopefully this doesn't cause him to shut me out.

Mr. M stay away from the lemmings!!

Mysterious Mr. M

My mysterious Mr. M is very captivating. Some may think I am crazy, but who cares what they think. Mr. M is a man that appears to be mysterious and that makes him very sexy. Sometimes we follow each other with our eyes and I wonder what he is thinking across the room from me. I know he probably thinks that I have no social skills because he says things to me and sometimes I am at a loss for words. Not because I am stupid but because he is so quick that I am often left speechless until after he has already sailed past me. Other times when I am quick enough to fire back, it almost feels like I haven't said enough in a way.

Yet, I always have a smile on my face whenever he is around. It's like instant happiness. My own little drug of choice I guess you could say. I try to say things that will make him think or that of course brings out the gorgeous smile he has. It is very breathtaking to see him show joy on his face. You can feel the warm of his smile. It is infectious. No matter how hard I try it is hard not to notice him when he is around. And he is around often.

Alas, I am a cynic. And as cynics often do, they doubt themselves. I doubt a lot of things. Probably more than I should. And in most cases I would doubt things big time here. However, something about him makes me hopeful. Maybe it is his best qualities that shine through for me to see. Maybe it is the fact that I find him incredibly mysterious and sexy. Or maybe it is just the fact that I don't want to be cynical in this case. After all, if we don't have hope what do we have? Even if he turns out to be a toad at least I got a glimmer of something wonderful right?

Don't Be A Lemming!

Sexy Man of Mystery

There is a guy I know that I call my Sexy Man of Mystery. He truly is mysterious and sexy. Yes just like Austin Powers! LOL Ok, maybe more like a sultry male model but you get the picture. Whenever he is around, I stand up and take notice. I can't help it! It's like everything goes into slow motion and all I can see or hear is him. I see him a lot. Every time I turn around he is there. I like this of course but hopefully he does too. Kind of makes me wonder if I am ever going to get sick of him. Although I don't think I can. Sometimes I sit and wonder what he is doing. How he is spending his time. I know that he is a fairly active guy with a lot of activities going on. That is partly what makes him so captivating. He just has the most awesome diversity. I just wish we conversed more. He is an enthralling and thought-provoking story teller. I notice whenever he gets around me he has a charismatic smile that could light up any room. His eyes crinkle up and you can see his cute little dimples. I say cute but he is far from a boy.

This man is someone that moves me. Not many people can do that. I don't get taken by people very often. A lot of people think they are on the inside but they haven't even broken in the vault. This guy, he was in the vault like it was a walk in the park. That seems crazy yet exhilarating at the same time! It has taken a lot of patience for me not to just jump up and down and make it obvious. I am trying to be cool but not ice cold. I want him to know I have a pulse at least. If only I knew what was cooking in that brain of his. I know that I will never truly know. Yet, I wonder if I opened up if he would open up to me.

Until then however, I am just going to enjoy my sexy man walking around acting like he is the king. If he only knew. Every time I see him I think of Austin Powers and his crazy sex anecdotes. It makes me smile to myself. That brings up another question....is he abstaining from sex? Or is he having one night stands? I don't think he is the type to just sleep around with random women. Yet, he is a guy and guys think a lot about sex. It would be hard for any guy to abstain for very long without some intense concentration on something else. Maybe that is why he has so many extra curricular activities. Maybe I will just have to ask him this one day. That is if we can get past our hellos.

Don't Be A Lemming!

Possible Candidate

There are so many possibilities in this world. From what to eat, to what material items you may have, to the possible candidates in our lives. Now what makes a person choose one thing over another is what makes us all different and unique. Most of the time what one person likes is much different than the next. Yet, often there are times when two people end up liking the exact same thing(s). For the most part though that is ok. Who cares if you have the same car as someone else? Or the same eating habits? These common threads are often what bring us together. When it gets brutal is if you are after the same thing and there is only one to go around. For example, two companies fighting over the same job applicant. Or two people fighting over the object of their affection. Someone is going to win and someone is going to lose. The loser is going to possibly miss out on something that could have been life changing. However, we make that choice whenever we choose one possibility over another.

Now I bring this up because I have what I call a Possible Candidate. That is, someone in my life that I am auditioning in a sense. Trying to gather all information before coming to a conclusion. I have done my research. I have tried to find out every last thing that I can (without totally seeming like a stalker) and what I find is I want to know more. Of course, the only way for me to get more is to be bold and aggressive. I have to speak up and let this person know that they are in the running and what do they win? Me. Why is it so hard to tell someone this? Why do we fear that rejection? If anything we should be happy that this person isn't dooming us to something that could possibly turn out to be the worst decision of our lives. Yet, we are still hurt and take some kind of personal hit when someone does this. Perhaps, it is because when we finally get to the point of being ready to be rejected we have already made our decision that this person is no longer a Possible Candidate but someone that we would like to take on as a for sure thing. The problem is that we haven't given them the time to decide if we are a Possible Candidate and then a for sure thing with them. Often we get surprised and the one we desire says yes. Although, most people don't give themselves the chance to be surprised. They over analyze and talk themselves out of it. Sometimes we have to watch as someone else swoops in and takes the prize. That really sucks, but it is life. My prize is someone that I have imagined both accepting me and rejecting me. Of course, I would choose the first but I would be ok with the second.

The point I am trying to make is that people spend too much time worrying about the outcome of things. We should all be living in the moment. I have a feeling that the Possible Candidates in our lives are just as scared as we are. They want to know if they are going to get something just as much as the people seeking them out are. If we all just told each other what we desired and went for it full throttle then we would all have more fun stories to tell in the end. Why be lonely if you don't have to be? Remember that whatever you choose it is your choice to make. I am leaning more towards telling mine. I know the fun might be lost once he knows but then again maybe it will just be more exciting than it already is. I will keep you posted.

Don't Be A Lemming!

Bosses

It seems in this big wide world of life that we all have experienced our fair share of bosses. Some great and some down right miserable. For the lucky few who get a boss that is great often they don't realize it until much later. For instance, I have had experience with a boss who most people think is a lazy jerk that just barks orders and lives to terrorize them. Heck, I have even thought this myself many times when feeling like I was at my wits end dealing with him. However, through lots of hard concentrated effort I have finally "seen the light".

The problem with the perceptions people have is that they aren't in the trenches with the guy. They are making observations from the audience and not from the stage so to speak. Also, most people who are in the trenches don't take the time to really figure out why he is behaving that way. I have spent many hours analyzing and agonizing over it. And finally, I get it.

The point of what makes a boss great is you and you alone. You are solely there for him to throw curve balls at and you either catch them or you strike out. If you strike out you make him look bad and then that makes you look bad. He will make it your problem if he "loses" because you are supposed to be the insulation around him. It is a s*** rolls downhill theory. If he gets in trouble, you get in trouble, etc. Therefore by reversing that...if you do something good that makes him look good then eventually you will look good by association.

If all this time I had just realized this I would have saved myself issues with bosses I thought were terrible in the past. I realize now that their shortcomings in essence were my shortcomings. Just as when I was a manager and I had employees that had issues. I needed them to do things and relied on them to make me look good. If they didn't ultimately they were at fault, not me, and they got fired. I suppose that is why so many supposedly "bad" managers stay and so many employees get fired. That is the way it should be in corporate life.

Now some of you reading this probably think I am off my rocker but if you truly sit down and think about it you will see what I am saying has merit. Perhaps that is why my work life is going so great with my boss. I have realized that if I do things that help him out that really is just helping myself out. Let me know your thoughts!

Don't be a lemming!!

Death Wish

Why is it that we as humans spread ourselves so thin to the point of not being able to do anything more? Do we derive pleasure out of torturing ourselves and making ourselves feel like a huge disappointment when we can't come through on things that we have promised to do?

I often ask these questions as I see myself committing more and more. At work, at home, in my love life, etc. I just can't seem to say no to anyone or anything. Especially at the risk of making someone angry or hurting someone else. I would rather kill myself trying to deliver than to see that happen. So I figure I must have a death wish. With all the stress that I end up carrying around that is exactly what I am asking for.

Disappointment comes with almost everything in life. Although some would argue that there is always a silver lining if you choose to see it. I believe in a little of both. I think that if you want to see a silver lining you must see the dark side as well. I know that I tend to live on the darker side of life at times but I think that this helps me stay more grounded than most. Now don't think for one minute that I don't let myself float high into the clouds at times (see my last post) but I just don't stay up there too long.

As for promises, I think that you should never promise anything that you can't keep. Otherwise, you seem weak in the eyes of others. Now I really don't care what other people think for the most part but I don't want to disappoint those that are close to me. Where I struggle I find is dealing with promises with my boss. He wants me to constantly promise things and I find that hard. I don't want to disappoint him but I feel so far away from him sometimes that it makes it very hard to want to promise things to him because inevitably he lords it over me at some point.

In fact, I hate when people do this to others. They take something and then hold it over someones head. Such as in a relationship when someone says, "I will call you tomorrow." Then when tomorrow comes and that person doesn't call, the other person gets unusually upset and makes this huge deal about it. It is so lame. It's like there is no allowance for human error or mistakes. We are so accusatory as a human race. We like to judge and throw stones sometimes for the pure joy of it. I suppose that is why I am so forgiving in nature. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until I have reason not to. One person recently said to me that I am the most caring , giving, and understanding person that they know. I am truly a selfless human being and they feel honored to know me. That is a great compliment and I am just glad that I can emanate this so that others can see it.

As always....Don't be a lemming!

My Oblivious Crush

There is a guy that I think is a really great guy. He has no clue that I think he is so wonderful. Not sure why that is but I guess he is living under a rock or something. We talk to each other. Yet, it seems awkward and weird. Kind of like when you are in your first stages of dating someone and you are not sure what to do or say next. Maybe he does see that attraction there and therefore there is tension. Let's hope because if he is really that oblivious....I have got to wonder.

I found out today that my oblivious crush has his profile online at one of those dating sites. I find that kind of funny because he seems like the type that would be great at finding dates. Although as I have said before he is a little eccentric so maybe he is scaring off those around him that would want him. I know that I like him but I don't know who else does. There has to be someone else that does. In fact, I am sure that we know someone that does. Although if we do I surely don't want to know about. Yet again, maybe I do so I can see who I have for competition.

At the same time I was also happy upon finding this out because this means he is still single. Which is always a good thing for the one you have a crush on who has no idea whatsoever. I know that I am not obvious but what can one expect. I can't just throw myself down and say, "hey open your eyes you idiot." I guess I could but then where is the fun in that? Its hard not taking what I want. I have always been a little agressive due to passion in me. I know I have no chance in h*** anyway because he doesn't find me at all attractive (or at least he doesn't act like it) but something tells me that I intrigue him and maybe that is enough to start with. I guess though that depends on how shallow he is. Which going based on his previous conquests....maybe he is shallow. Although something tells me not to think that. He seems to have a sweet heart which would not indicate a high level of shallowness.

I wish I had a little manual that would tell me what to do. Guys are so unpredictable at times. I know they say women are, but men are just as much off as women. They just behave in a way so that it makes them seem normal so it's not so noticeable. Guys are easy though to read and figure out. Just determining where they are going to land and when- is a little more difficult.

You know, I realized today that when I look into his deep blue eyes....it makes me melt. I catch myself doing the dumbest things...but I can't help it. I am at a loss for words sometimes. Which makes for some awkward conversation. He's pretty hot. I guess I better get with it. I have things I could show him I think that would blow his mind though. Guess I know what my resolution is....even if it is shallow....that's all for now.

Don't be a lemming!

Lemmings

I want to write about what I call Lemmings. Lemmings are those people that those of us despise who seem to radiate everything they are not. Meaning, they are the fakers that go around pretending to be something they are not just to fit in. They do it so much that those of us who are unique and sometimes considered weird are often repulsed by the sight and sound of them. We can't stand to be in the same space as them and yet more often than not we are surrounded by them. It's funny in a world that deems itself a place where you can "be what you want when you grow-up" that so many people become something they barely even know just to say they belong. Is society so screwed up that we actually believe this? Or is it some chemical imbalance in most of the population's brains? I know that if I had to choose to be "weird" or a Lemming that I would choose the former. For at least I can say that I did what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. Not to say that there aren't those things in life that we have to do a certain way but at least if I have to do them I can do them as me, not as the me that someone else sees in me. I don't understand this phenomenon but I do know that as long as we accept the "lemmings" they will just grow in number. So therefore, I say fight and rise against the injustices of the world that says we have to be this way or that just to fit in. However, if you are totally happy with a marshmellow brain and no self will then hey be my guest. Just leaves more mystery for the rest of us!

Don't be a lemming!